Shiny Happy People

Hey-o! I know it hasn’t been long at all since we chatted last, but I have two reasons for posting again so fast. Number 1: I read my last post before bed last night, and I realized that I should have titled it “Manic Panic” – wow, that was really all over the place! Sorry for panic rockin’ peeps, I guess I am feeling a bit untethered at the moment. I’m restless, I’m irritable, I’m jumpy…that all came across pretty loud and clear I think though so I’m not going to beat that horse any longer, pretty sure it’s deader than a doornail.

Reason Number 2: I saw a bumper sticker yesterday and I literally thought about it for hours after. This is my real reason for writing today; I just can’t get it outta my head (sorry, I’m still a bit stuck on the soundtrack thing – once you admit it, it becomes really noticeable) and I want to talk about it. I also want to redeem myself a little and prove that I can stick to a topic that makes sense. Mostly though, I just want to talk about the bumper sticker.

We get it Manda, you saw a bumper sticker – go you. What the frig did it say already??

Jeez Louise, I thought I was impatient. Ok, what it said was this “Happy People Are Hiding Something”. Ta-daaaaa! My big reveal. Real exciting stuff happening here today!

It got me thinking though, for pretty much the rest of the day. Whoever came up with that simple little expression is definitely a pessimist, but also kind of a genius. You can attach a lot of depth to those five little words and, although this could just be the obsessive part of my personality talking, they really are cause to stop and ponder. The sticker creator could also just be a colossal jerk who hates happy people, or they maybe just thought it was funny and catchy. Maybe there’s a “Bumper-Sticker-O-Matic” somewhere in the factory and no thought whatsoever went into the making of that particular sticker. I guess I’ll never know. What I do know is that I’m getting distracted again. Focus.

Although I hate to admit this, the first thought that went through my head after reading it was “got that right mofo” and then I spent a few seconds reveling in my newfound knowledge that I’m not the only rhymes-with-witch out there who thinks things like that. The thing is, although I may think things like that from time to time, I don’t usually say them. Except to my husband; He has the dubious honour of being privy to the majority of my innermost thoughts, and he still loves me. That man is a saint I tell you. So after I basked in the glow of my meanness for a second or two, the guilt started to slowly creep it’s way through the antipathy with all the grace of a two-storey house falling out of the sky, and the Wicked Witch of the West inside me began to shrivel because I actually do have a conscience and deep down I’m generally a not-mean person.

As that all began to happen, I actually started feeling sad because I realized that that stupid sticker is actually probably true. Happy people are almost definitely hiding something; in fact, we’re ALL almost definitely hiding something. Nobody is truly an open book; that’s why our psychic abilities diminished as we evolved, we all need a secret place to hide (I love conspiracy theories and out-there ideas btw, I may try to market a line of tinfoil hats one day but that’s besides the point here).

How many times has someone asked how you are and you’ve responded “Fine, great, awesome, amazing” and then, if you have even a superficial relationship with said person, gone on to mention some things that are going true to your words? I’m gonna guess pretty damn often, cause I know I do and I’m basically the Eeyore of my circle lately. Close friends may get the more real-life answer; you’re unhappy at work, your kids are making you crazy, your hubby left the seat up again, etc., but what about when things are really bad? Are you going to sit there and bombard every person who asks how you’re doing with the downer thoughts and perceived injustices you’ve been squirreling away to chew on when you get a minute to stop and think about it? Probably not. You’re probably just going to say “Fine thanks, and you?” and save all that other stuff for a box of wine and your bestie, or your cat…cats are great listeners because they just don’t give a fuck.

But what about those people who always seem to actually be fine, great, awesome, and amazing? What’s their deal? Well, some people actually are happy – some people are optimists by nature, and some people are exactly where they want to be doing exactly what they want to do. And even though you may sometimes want to high-five those people in the throat with your fist, save the throat-punching for actual assholes, because I guarantee even those happy people have something going on somewhere and emotional jealousy is not a valid reason for throat-punching. This is the part where I really started digging in…because I thought about all the “happy” people I know, and realized that I did feel kinda jealous and there’s a fine line between jealousy and resentment.

The thing is, those happy people might actually be miserable – they just don’t advertise it. Then I started getting anxious; What if my happy friends have problems that I don’t know about? How can I help if I don’t know? What if they feel like they have nobody to talk to? Oh God, what if I have a happy friend who’s actually lonely?? Hang on a sec, I need to go hyperventilate into a paper bag for a few minutes…

Okay, I’m better now. Realistically, I can probably count on one hand the number of times I’ve answered “Fine” and meant it. And that’s probably being very generous. I don’t feel like that’s even an odd thing; everybody does it.

The reality is, we can never really know whether or not someone is fine unless they tell us. And if they aren’t, and don’t want anyone to know, then all we can do is be there when or if they ever decide they want some company to go along with their misery. Imagine if we all just went around incessantly bitching about everything…how exhausting. All that negative energy would probably cause the universe to explode or, at the very least, all of our heads. I just got a mental picture of a simultaneous worldwide head-explosion. Eyuh.

I’m glad I saw that sticker. It really made me stop and think (obsess) about the fact that happy people might need help sometimes too. We all have our “things”. It also made me stop being a bitch for five minutes and appreciate the happy people in my life. Do I get jealous sometimes? Sure. But I usually feel better after spending time with a glass-half-full person. Most of the time it helps me remember that my own glass is more than half-full. In fact, it’s overflowing. I have an amazing family, fabulous friends, and more support than I can ever even hope to utilize. My anxiety and depression make me forget that a lot, and at the end of the day that’s what I truly resent. I resent not fully enjoying what I have, because there are so many people out there who have it way worse. And some of those people can still find it within themselves to see the good things. I applaud those people. You are amazing. Truly.

So thank you, happy people. From the bottom of my heart. The world needs you, and you are appreciated more than you probably know. You probably don’t even realize the difference you make to others, and how your positive outlook can really put things in perspective for those of us who struggle with that sort of thing. And please don’t ever feel pressured to put on a happy face if something really is wrong. Maybe that’s just your nature and you can’t help it, but don’t ever feel like you can’t drop it like it’s hot if the need arises. People will be there for you, just like you’re there for them. Unless you hang out with dickwads, and in that case, get yourself a better entourage; you deserve it.

Happy people make the world go ’round (magnetic force does too but let’s give happy people some credit), and without them we would be a pretty miserable species. Everyone has problems, some people are just better at making the best of things. We need that. So work your magic on us happy people – that’s some hocus-pocus we can all believe in, no tinfoil needed.

Love ya peeps,

M

Who Am I, And What Am I Doing Here?

Sooooo, here you are. Reading my blog. What uuup?! And what do I have to say? Well, so far, I’m not entirely sure. I tend to get a little…crazy…when I try new things. I decided I was going to try my hand at making YouTube videos and, as it turns out, you need to have an online “presence” to make a real go of anything. So, not only did I create a YouTube channel, I also created a Twitter account, an Instagram account, a Google+ account, and this blog. I stopped short of making a Facebook account in a rare moment of clarity, because it’s only been ONE DAY and I’m already out of control. Where did I put the Ativan again…

So anyway, here you are. Waiting for me to say something poignant, perhaps even earth-shattering, because who goes to all that effort to make themselves known, without knowing what they want people to know? Me. I do. #thisgirlrighthere. I dive headlong into everything, without taking the time to think about it first. So now I’m tits deep in creating this, and I haven’t even posted a YouTube video because I’m a little bit chickenshit. Maybe a lot chickenshit. What if nobody follows me? What if I get haters? What if I run out of ideas?? Well, my dear, methinks the ship containing second thoughts has sailed at this point. So just go with it, okay?

I didn’t want you coming here and finding empty space. I also forgot to charge my Bluetooth keyboard, so this post is going to be short and sweet because typing on an iPad screen is a huge pain in the ass. So here goes:

Hi, I’m Manda Edwards. I’m a wife, a mom, a blogger (I can say that now, yay me!), and an almost online presence. I’m also depressed, anxious, and probably a bit OCD, and not doing anything about it. Oh, I take my meds and stuff, but I don’t exercise, or meditate, or go to therapy.

So what exactly do I do? Not a whole lot. I’ll just come out and say it – I’m lazy af. Bump-on-a-log lazy. The power of Couch compels me. That being said, I do want to some day get off my lazy ass and “get better”.

So why, you may be asking, would I put “get better” in pretentious air quotes like it’s something mythical or preposterous? Because I’m an ass like that, and I like air quotes. And because I think it really is a little bit mythical and preposterous. What does it even mean? Is anyone really completely normal and unbroken? Hardly. Show me a perfect person and I’ll show you a perfect fool with a cracked mirror. I think someone already said that…Aristotle? Rumi?? I’ll have to google it. I may also have delusions of grandeur. My point is, we’re all a little bit broken; Some more than others, sure, but at least we’re all in the same boat when it comes to cracks in the veneer. Maybe that’s what I’m really doing here – showing you my cracks, in hopes that you might relate. Did you just giggle when I said “cracks”? If you did, you are definitely in the right place. We are sympatico bud-dy! Maybe this is me doing something. I feel like I’m on the right track here, hopefully it’ll stick.

So that was jumbled, awkward, and slightly non-sensical. Me on a good day. I’m not going to lie to you, there might be a lot of that. I blame it on the lack of keyboard for now. Also that I used the majority of my brain power searching “how to use WordPress to blog” today. FYI I’m still not sure.

So you know who I am, and you sort of know what I’m doing here. About as much as I do anyway. So I’ll put the highlights in my bio, and if you like what you…saw? Read? Whatever…come on back again. Maybe I’ll surprise us.

Until next time,

Manda

Wow, that felt so blog-y. I just blogged! Look Ma, no keyboard! Stay cool peeps.